Intriguing feelings. A little angry and a little jealous. I don’t actually recover that fast or that well.

Then again I am the one who chose to not plan for the holidays. Can’t blame any one.

Being able to love anyone quickly is not really a good trait to have. Easy come easy go. But hey you have to do what you do to move on in life.

I think I am suffering from emotional indigestion. I swallow up my feelings and let is rage within myself. Feeling frustrated yet unable to release it. Sometimes I am just acting to be apathetic, only to have all the emotions consume my mind in the middle of the night.

There is a lot of emotions within bottled within. Fear, loneliness and anger. If I refrain from hurting people, I end up hurting myself. If I don’t take people seriously then you never risk being hurt by them. But that is a very lonesome path to walk.

My friends seem to have changed and moved on quite a bit with life. Friendship is something that has to be maintained and I am not giving enough to it. New friends, for some reasons, aren’t as good as the old ones.

I think I need to slowly release the thoughts within me. Let me start by saying that trading three years of my life for a game is probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. The amount of money wasted on bumming makes me want to go back in time and slap my old self hard.

And yes I am still traumatized by Shaun’s death. I might talk about it or joke about it though I still miss him very much. It’s hard to forget someone when you practically saw him every day for two years.

I feel hurt by the break up too. A friend asked if I was just playing around and I was kinda upset. But that’s probably the impression I give others. Looking fine and ready to move on but probably wincing deep inside. Trying to be someone else can be hard.

And the fucking shake down schedule is just incredible. Absolutely incredible. I am summoned back to office in the middle of the night just to do some Cable TV orders. It is not even my area of specialty. If it is dunning and they have no one else I wouldn’t be so upset. But to be there when anyone else could have easily replaced me just makes me… sad. I hate disrupting my sleep patterns, at least not when I am going through this bout of random anxiety attacks. But hey if you are my boss and you are reading this, know that I harbor no hatred against you, I know you didn’t want it to turn out this way too. In the next project, please, please, please find out more about test automation.

Releasing some steam online just made me feel a little better already.