Ok I haven’t got it yet, but I am planning to tomorrow.

Time to see what Android is all about!

I think the presence of the Facebook status bar is sapping away my energy to write a full blog post here.

Why go through the trouble of logging in and create a post when I can do the same in 150 characters or less.

And then we mourn the death of English composition. People don’t know how to write any more.

I am still having gastric. Not good, not good. But at least I have more insurance coverage now, in case anything happens. There is this great book that helps as well.

Time to grab dinner.

Last night was crazy. Never had so much random thoughts running through my head before. Couldn’t sleep well at all.

All that because I thought I offended someone.

Well thankfully I made it to the morning. Not sure how well I will be able to perform at work today. Seems like it is going to be a long day with all the dunning stuff and ORT going on.

Need to get a grip.

Well tonight is the big night. Have to be in from 2am or so till morning. There goes my sleep.

For some unknown reasons I am dreading this entire event. Maybe it is because I can’t stand having my sleep pattern disrupted for work. Though I have disrupted it many times for other reasons, such as gaming and chatting with others. I still remember the times when I stayed up almost all night to chat in the church camp.

But now that I am older, sleep is a lot more important to me. I can’t tolerate the feeling of sleepiness very well. It makes me feel as if I am losing control, as if I am toppling over anytime. Though technically you won’t die with 4 hours of sleep per day, it still creates much fear in me whenever I have to do this long night thingy.

I guess it is just all part of mental conditioning. I just stayed awake through till 5am last Saturday, and I am definitely getting more than 8 hours of sleep everyday. I am just not used to making myself going through tough conditions. Too ill disciplined. I really should not have escaped army. I need to be broken open and fixed.

I think I am suffering from emotional indigestion. I swallow up my feelings and let is rage within myself. Feeling frustrated yet unable to release it. Sometimes I am just acting to be apathetic, only to have all the emotions consume my mind in the middle of the night.

There is a lot of emotions within bottled within. Fear, loneliness and anger. If I refrain from hurting people, I end up hurting myself. If I don’t take people seriously then you never risk being hurt by them. But that is a very lonesome path to walk.

My friends seem to have changed and moved on quite a bit with life. Friendship is something that has to be maintained and I am not giving enough to it. New friends, for some reasons, aren’t as good as the old ones.

I think I need to slowly release the thoughts within me. Let me start by saying that trading three years of my life for a game is probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. The amount of money wasted on bumming makes me want to go back in time and slap my old self hard.

And yes I am still traumatized by Shaun’s death. I might talk about it or joke about it though I still miss him very much. It’s hard to forget someone when you practically saw him every day for two years.

I feel hurt by the break up too. A friend asked if I was just playing around and I was kinda upset. But that’s probably the impression I give others. Looking fine and ready to move on but probably wincing deep inside. Trying to be someone else can be hard.

And the fucking shake down schedule is just incredible. Absolutely incredible. I am summoned back to office in the middle of the night just to do some Cable TV orders. It is not even my area of specialty. If it is dunning and they have no one else I wouldn’t be so upset. But to be there when anyone else could have easily replaced me just makes me… sad. I hate disrupting my sleep patterns, at least not when I am going through this bout of random anxiety attacks. But hey if you are my boss and you are reading this, know that I harbor no hatred against you, I know you didn’t want it to turn out this way too. In the next project, please, please, please find out more about test automation.

Releasing some steam online just made me feel a little better already.

Hmm, not sure if I am missing the place or the care free times I had when I was back there. Then again maybe I am missing the having a family around to bitch to.

Not to mention the food and the…culture. It’s not the same.

Most of all, it’s nice when you don’t have to be the only one paying the bills.

Rat race huh? Just have to live with it I guess.

No pain no gain. But is the gain worth the pain?

A poor man’s happiness is no less than a rich man’s happiness. Is it really worth to trade a part of your life for more money which you spend to make yourself happy?

I guess the only way to find out is to try both. The poor man’s path has been well traveled by me. Time to move on to the other.

Where is the balance that I seek?

I know much but achieve little. Who can guess that your attitude towards relationships can also be applied to pretty much every other aspect of your life.

Where are the other interesting people who have commitment issues, not just in love, but in general.

Is depriving me of the chance to have a proper life.

It is far from the ideal 9 to 5 situation that I imagined myself getting into. Instead I get this 12 hour routine that is …I don’t know, slowly eating into me.

Looking at the bright side, there isn’t much to eat into any way. I wonder to myself what I would do when I get back from home. Probably more of sitting in front of the computer any way. Putting those hours into doing something constructive is probably not that bad after all. I hope.

A week and a half have gone by. Let’s see how long I last before changing my mind. Hmm actually I already have. Sending out resumes soon.

Well Accenture made me an offer today. Remunerations are decent. But the working hours appear to be…hmm extreme. But working like a dog sure beats bumming like a hippie. At least it pays the rent and the bills.

I can’t help but to wonder that in this race to get all the material goods in life, both for survival and for pleasure, what awaits you at the finishing line?

Of course I know there is God and the burning pit. But if you really think about it, there is not so much sense. Then again, mortal plodding has its benefits, you are usually too preoccupied to think about the big issues until it is too late.

Will probably accept Accenture’s offer because it is unlikely that I will have something better appearing in the near future.